my life in a fishbowl by Warren Benedetto | feed | comments feed
Last week, my daughter graduated from kindergarten. On her final day of school, she presented us with her “art portfolio,” a folder full of drawings she did over the last year. One of them in particular caught my eye. It was a painting of my daughter and her mom, both holding dolls. Her hand-scrawled caption [...]
I'm supposed to teach my son how to be a man. But that begs the question: what kind of man?
Sometimes I regret not beating our children. Parents have been beating their kids since time immemorial. Your dad beat you, you beat your kid, your kid will beat his kid – it’s tradition. Beatings are handed down through generations, like a secret family recipe. Grandma’s apple pie. Mom’s chicken soup. Dad’s back-handed bitch-slap. Some parents have kids [...]
[DISCLAIMER: This is a post about offensive words. If you are easily offended, then fuck you. Just kidding. Seriously, if you're easily offended – like, if you thought John Mayer was wrong for using the n-word while making his point that he has not earned the right to say the n-word – then [...]
This weekend, my wife and I found ourselves filled with the Easter spirit — as well as enough marshmallow Peeps to send the average human into a diabetic coma — so we decided to take the kids to an Easter carnival at the local park. The highlight of the carnival was, of course, the Easter egg [...]
I recently decided I’d try to make some extra cash by submitting Valentine’s Day greeting card ideas to Hallmark. Unfortunately, they rejected all of them. Rather than have all my hard work go to waste, I decided to post them here instead. Your love gives me diabetes. Let’s make love like we did before the restraining order. I [...]
I bought a loofah today. Also, I grew a vagina. I can’t help but feel like maybe the two incidents are related. I didn’t have a vagina yesterday. I know for sure, because I masturbated in the shower, which is not something I normally do. Usually, I do it in the car on the way to [...]
I’m just gonna call her. No big deal. I’m just going to pick up the phone, dial the number … It’s easy. Simple. Painless. I’ll say hi, she’ll say hi, then … What? What do I say next? I have to say something. There can’t just be silence. I’ll look like an idiot. I need a [...]