my life in a fishbowl by Warren Benedetto | feed | comments feed

Hallmark Sucks: Rejected Valentine’s Day Greetings

I recently decided I’d try to make some extra cash by submitting Valentine’s Day greeting card ideas to Hallmark. Unfortunately, they rejected all of them. Rather than have all my hard work go to waste, I decided to post them here instead.

  • Your love gives me diabetes.
  • Let’s make love like we did before the restraining order.
  • I can’t wait to see you in that thing from Victoria’s Secret that I shoplifted for you.
  • This Valentine’s Day, let’s do something together that would be illegal in the South.
  • Tonight, let’s wake the neighbors with our cries of ecstasy and/or revulsion.
  • Thank you for loving me, despite my alarmingly undersized genitalia.
  • I’m thankful that your low self-esteem will allow you to realistically consider sleeping with me tonight.
  • I will love you for the rest of my life sentence.
  • Until I met you, I never believed in true love. Or werewolves.
  • I hope our love lasts forever, or at least until they find a cure for my chlamydia.
  • Valentine, our love is like dynamite: highly unstable and illegal to pack in your carry-on luggage.
  • Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
  • You’re an acceptable alternative to compulsive masturbation, Valentine.
  • We have the kind of love that doesn’t require words, or knowing each others’ first names.
  • It’s highly unlikely that I’ll want to sleep with anyone else in the near future, Valentine.
  • Loving you means never having to do a background check.
  • If I was a Chihuahua, I would totally hump your leg.
  • I would gladly be your Valentine, now that Betty White has stopped returning my phone calls.
  • This Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate our love by trying that thing I saw on the Internet.
  • I love you like Sarah Palin loves intentionally misrepresenting facts in a cynical ploy to discredit Obama.
  • Valentine’s Day Forecast: Partly wasted with a chance of blowjobs.
  • I love you so much that I would have bought you this card even if it hadn’t been on clearance.
  • Kissing you makes my heart explode, showering passersby with droplets of blood and meatfire.
  • I love you like John Mayer’s penis loves black women.
  • I love you like a person who doesn’t understand how similies work.

No comments

Leave a comment